Enough is enough

Here are some things you need to know before you read any further:

#1-I was livid - like seriously livid.

#2-There are cuss words.  Because when I'm seriously livid, I use serious cuss words.  

#3-I tell you stalkers everything.  And this everything is going to consist of years of emotional abuse.  I'm going to be raw & exposed like I've never been before.  Because I've never dealt with the issue before.

#4-Pack a lunch.

#5-You cannot judge me.  Your first instinct will be to judge, but you must remember-we are all raised differently, in different environments, by different people.  And we all deal with it the best way we can.  Right wrong or indifferent...  

#6-If you do judge me, I will lock this blog down tight & block you for all eternity.  Mmmmm kay?!

Ok-so our friends, the Groves', were having a costume party on Saturday night.   Last year we all went as people from Gilligan's Island.  We wanted to be alike again this year so we decided a week before the party to go as 'evil' characters from the Wizard of Oz.  I was going to be the witch (naturally) but the costume only came in a size 12.  I searched the internet high & low but that costume was only made in that size.  

UHM, lets just say-I ain't a size 12.  

Mom has a friend who can sew crazy good.  She asked her if she could make it a bit bigger for me & like pronto.  She did & I had to pick it up Friday after work.  This also happened to be the day that dad came home from rehab. When I got there, Mom & her friend were in the living room & Dad was in the kitchen.  I said, "Hey dad.  How ya doin'?"   His response, "Not worth a shit!  I thought I would have plenty of room in this house.  There isn't any God damn room in this house!"  I said, "C'mon dad, you've been home for like 5 minutes.  You have to get used to it..."

I went into the bathroom to put on the costume.  When I came out I said, "Look dad, I'm a witch!"  His response, "Yea, a fat ass witch."  I will pause for gasps...

Let me back up.  My dad is an asshole.  He's always been an asshole.  He's mean.  He's vile.  He spews venom.  He doesn't care about anyone other than himself...UNLESS you can do something for him.  Period.

During our childhood, he never did anything with us.  Mom took us everywhere.  Mom bought us what we needed -school clothes, whatever...it was always mom.  We never took vacations (unless you count Holiday World.  That is the only place I remember him going with us..) because dad is a freakin' psycho who can't deal with anything.  One of the (many) reasons he didn't go to Hawaii with us is because there was NO WAY he could sit on a plane for 10 hours.  And there's NO WAY he would've made it there alive...  

Ya know how when you're young, you just deal with what you're given because you don't know any different? Your life is just your life & you think that that is how everyone is?    That was me.  I can still remember vividly being in 8th grade...I had started to get chunky.  Sitting at the dinner table my dad said to everyone, "Yea, boys will come to the door & ask to take out my fat daughter."  Nice... 

After I grew up & realized that not all dads are assholes & not all dads are horrible to their children, I still just kinda dealt with it.  Sure I would smart off back to him, but he's still my dad.  There's a respect level there.  I also would just write it off to, 'oh, that's just how dad is...'  When I would visit at rehab he would boss me around like I was a two year old...that's just dad.

After the 'fat ass witch' comment, I was seriously taken back.  I didn't know what to say.  I was embarrassed.  I was ashamed.  I just said, "Geez dad, that's not very nice..." 

 And the volcano inside me started to boil...

Marcy checked me over & I loved the costume.  She did a great job & it fit great.  Then dad asked, "why do you want to be a witch?  Witches are ugly & skinny."  (Not really sure if that one was an insult or compliment?!)  She had tattered the skirt & everything.  Dad was still in the background bossing me around, "JAIME-get me that pen!  JAIME-I want to see how much coffee I have left!"  I finally said, "DAD.  HANG ON.  Marcy is talking to me."

He bitched & moaned in the background the whole time.  I took off the costume & Mom walked Marcy out the back door.  Dad & I were alone.

(Here's the 'you can't judge me part':)

Me:  "You need to calm down a little bit."

Dad:  "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH!  YOU DON'T KNOW HOW THIS FEELS!  I'M 70 YEARS OLD & I'M F***ED.  I WISH I WOULD'VE JUST DIED.  BEING DEAD WOULD BE BETTER THAN DEALING WITH ALL THIS SHIT!"

Me:  "I know this is hard, but we're here to help you."

I can't remember what he said next, but the volcano exploded...

Me:  "WE DROVE IN TOWN EVERY F***ING DAY TO SEE YOU.  WE ARE NOT YOUR SLAVES.  WE ARE NOT YOUR SERVANTS.  WE ARE HERE TO HELP YOU, BUT YOU WILL NOT TREAT US THAT WAY."

Dad:  "WELL THEN I'LL JUST GO TO A GOD DAMN NURSING HOME!"

Me:  "FINE, GO.  GOOD LUCK GETTING THERE!!!!"  & I grabbed my shit & marched outta the house.

Again, I'll pause for gasps...

So I was UBER pissed Friday night.  I went home & went to bed.  UGH!  I have had it with him.  I do NOT deserve to be called names.  NO WAY.

Saturday came & we had the Groves' party.  Great.  I did NOT want to go.  I wanted to lay in bed with my head under the covers.  When I got to the party, I didn't talk to anyone.  I didn't want to talk to anyone.  I was not in the party mood & I didn't want to ruin anyone elses night.  (It was really funny because practically everyone asked me if something was wrong.  Jaime Mac + no talkie = something wrong!)

I kept telling everyone I was fine & just kinda hung by myself.  I took absolutely no pictures.  None.  I didn't have the will to turn my camera on.  I had already even thought of a title for my post (because I'm nuts like that...):  "I hate playing dress up".  See, you stalkers should be enraged too...this is affecting you now...

I did manage to smile for a few pictures that others were taking.  I mean, just because I'm uber pissed doesn't mean I can't smile & look pretty for pictures.  Pssssh.

 Here are me & B-rad, my flying monkey...

Shauna & I.  She was the 'mistress' Dorothy.

The whole group.  Flying monkey, wicked witch, mistress Dorothy & evil scarecrow.

Rhonda & Butterfly were there.  Rhonda had followed me outside where I was sitting by the fire...by myself.  I told her, 'Don't tell Butterfly...' & filled her in on dad.  And guess what?  The first damn thing she did was tell Butterfly.  Grrrrr.  I didn't want to tell him because I didn't know how he'd take it.  I thought he might say I shouldn't have yelled at dad because he's hurt.  (but I figure if dad feels well enough to call me names & yell at me, he can handle it being thrown right back into his face...)

Butterflies reaction was, "You're too nice to him.  You should be like me.  Never go over there."  Wow, thanks for that pep talk.  Then he told the people that were around, "Yea, Jaime goes to our parents all the time.  She's nice to them & does stuff for them...but they like me better... HAHAHA"  Again, thanks for that...

Fast forward a few hours... Shauna kept asking if I was mad at her & I kept saying no.  She finally yanked me by my arm & took me into the garage.  And we sat on her step & I bawled.

I told her what happened.  She was super sweet to me about it.  She listened & hugged me & let me be snotty & cry.  I felt really bad because it was her party & I didn't want me being a cry baby to ruin it for her but she never left me.  She sat on that step with me until I dried up & felt better.

I did feel better after I cried it out.  I still kinda stayed to myself.  A few people were around the fire & we were really the only ones left at the party.  Brian (the evil scarecrow) was out by the fire with me.  I walked inside & he followed me, hanging onto my back.  He kept trying to drag me down & of course, I didn't want to let him.  He was drunk as a skunk & the only thing I drank all night was a coke Shauna gave me after the snotty, crying session.  He was dead weight on me & I finally fell...and he kept saying, "I'm gonna pin you!" 

 (Yea, still in my witch gettup...plus a sweatshirt because it was cold!)

 I hadn't laughed this hard all freaking night.  It was hilarious.  Look at his face.  He was still WAY stronger than me, but he was drunk... c'mon...surely I can get him?!

I finally got the upper hand.  

And I kept telling him I was gonna hit him in the balls...

But that wasn't even necessary.  He was putty in my hands...

 The picture speaks for itself...

 I got all these pics off facebook because, like I said, I took zero.  Brian texted me today & said, "Did you see the sequence of pics where I'm kicking your ass?!"  I said, 'UHM, no, I didn't see those.  But I DID see pics of me kicking YOUR ass."  He said, "No, you gotta view them by hitting 'previous' not 'next'...'

I get the fact that dad's hurt.  I get the fact that he's having to re-learn to do everything.  I get he's frustrated.  I get it all.   But he's been this way my whole life.  This new development in his life hasn't changed anything about his attitude.  I'm the one who has changed.  Dad or not, I don't deserve any of that.  And he is in for a world of hurt because 'his little girl' isn't gonna take his bullshit anymore.  I'm 35 freakin' years old.  He will not bark orders at me...if he wants something from me, he will ask.  

Postscript:  today at lunch, dad gave me a hug & told me he was sorry.  This is HUGE for him, but I'm 99.9% sure my mom ripped his ass & told him he should.  I'm sure after I walked out Friday, he never gave me another thought.  He told me he didn't mean it & he wouldn't say things like that anymore.  And I said, 'I know you won't...because I'm not gonna let you.'