Enough is enough

Here are some things you need to know before you read any further:

#1-I was livid - like seriously livid.

#2-There are cuss words.  Because when I'm seriously livid, I use serious cuss words.  

#3-I tell you stalkers everything.  And this everything is going to consist of years of emotional abuse.  I'm going to be raw & exposed like I've never been before.  Because I've never dealt with the issue before.

#4-Pack a lunch.

#5-You cannot judge me.  Your first instinct will be to judge, but you must remember-we are all raised differently, in different environments, by different people.  And we all deal with it the best way we can.  Right wrong or indifferent...  

#6-If you do judge me, I will lock this blog down tight & block you for all eternity.  Mmmmm kay?!

Ok-so our friends, the Groves', were having a costume party on Saturday night.   Last year we all went as people from Gilligan's Island.  We wanted to be alike again this year so we decided a week before the party to go as 'evil' characters from the Wizard of Oz.  I was going to be the witch (naturally) but the costume only came in a size 12.  I searched the internet high & low but that costume was only made in that size.  

UHM, lets just say-I ain't a size 12.  

Mom has a friend who can sew crazy good.  She asked her if she could make it a bit bigger for me & like pronto.  She did & I had to pick it up Friday after work.  This also happened to be the day that dad came home from rehab. When I got there, Mom & her friend were in the living room & Dad was in the kitchen.  I said, "Hey dad.  How ya doin'?"   His response, "Not worth a shit!  I thought I would have plenty of room in this house.  There isn't any God damn room in this house!"  I said, "C'mon dad, you've been home for like 5 minutes.  You have to get used to it..."

I went into the bathroom to put on the costume.  When I came out I said, "Look dad, I'm a witch!"  His response, "Yea, a fat ass witch."  I will pause for gasps...

Let me back up.  My dad is an asshole.  He's always been an asshole.  He's mean.  He's vile.  He spews venom.  He doesn't care about anyone other than himself...UNLESS you can do something for him.  Period.

During our childhood, he never did anything with us.  Mom took us everywhere.  Mom bought us what we needed -school clothes, whatever...it was always mom.  We never took vacations (unless you count Holiday World.  That is the only place I remember him going with us..) because dad is a freakin' psycho who can't deal with anything.  One of the (many) reasons he didn't go to Hawaii with us is because there was NO WAY he could sit on a plane for 10 hours.  And there's NO WAY he would've made it there alive...  

Ya know how when you're young, you just deal with what you're given because you don't know any different? Your life is just your life & you think that that is how everyone is?    That was me.  I can still remember vividly being in 8th grade...I had started to get chunky.  Sitting at the dinner table my dad said to everyone, "Yea, boys will come to the door & ask to take out my fat daughter."  Nice... 

After I grew up & realized that not all dads are assholes & not all dads are horrible to their children, I still just kinda dealt with it.  Sure I would smart off back to him, but he's still my dad.  There's a respect level there.  I also would just write it off to, 'oh, that's just how dad is...'  When I would visit at rehab he would boss me around like I was a two year old...that's just dad.

After the 'fat ass witch' comment, I was seriously taken back.  I didn't know what to say.  I was embarrassed.  I was ashamed.  I just said, "Geez dad, that's not very nice..." 

 And the volcano inside me started to boil...

Marcy checked me over & I loved the costume.  She did a great job & it fit great.  Then dad asked, "why do you want to be a witch?  Witches are ugly & skinny."  (Not really sure if that one was an insult or compliment?!)  She had tattered the skirt & everything.  Dad was still in the background bossing me around, "JAIME-get me that pen!  JAIME-I want to see how much coffee I have left!"  I finally said, "DAD.  HANG ON.  Marcy is talking to me."

He bitched & moaned in the background the whole time.  I took off the costume & Mom walked Marcy out the back door.  Dad & I were alone.

(Here's the 'you can't judge me part':)

Me:  "You need to calm down a little bit."

Dad:  "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH!  YOU DON'T KNOW HOW THIS FEELS!  I'M 70 YEARS OLD & I'M F***ED.  I WISH I WOULD'VE JUST DIED.  BEING DEAD WOULD BE BETTER THAN DEALING WITH ALL THIS SHIT!"

Me:  "I know this is hard, but we're here to help you."

I can't remember what he said next, but the volcano exploded...

Me:  "WE DROVE IN TOWN EVERY F***ING DAY TO SEE YOU.  WE ARE NOT YOUR SLAVES.  WE ARE NOT YOUR SERVANTS.  WE ARE HERE TO HELP YOU, BUT YOU WILL NOT TREAT US THAT WAY."

Dad:  "WELL THEN I'LL JUST GO TO A GOD DAMN NURSING HOME!"

Me:  "FINE, GO.  GOOD LUCK GETTING THERE!!!!"  & I grabbed my shit & marched outta the house.

Again, I'll pause for gasps...

So I was UBER pissed Friday night.  I went home & went to bed.  UGH!  I have had it with him.  I do NOT deserve to be called names.  NO WAY.

Saturday came & we had the Groves' party.  Great.  I did NOT want to go.  I wanted to lay in bed with my head under the covers.  When I got to the party, I didn't talk to anyone.  I didn't want to talk to anyone.  I was not in the party mood & I didn't want to ruin anyone elses night.  (It was really funny because practically everyone asked me if something was wrong.  Jaime Mac + no talkie = something wrong!)

I kept telling everyone I was fine & just kinda hung by myself.  I took absolutely no pictures.  None.  I didn't have the will to turn my camera on.  I had already even thought of a title for my post (because I'm nuts like that...):  "I hate playing dress up".  See, you stalkers should be enraged too...this is affecting you now...

I did manage to smile for a few pictures that others were taking.  I mean, just because I'm uber pissed doesn't mean I can't smile & look pretty for pictures.  Pssssh.

 Here are me & B-rad, my flying monkey...

Shauna & I.  She was the 'mistress' Dorothy.

The whole group.  Flying monkey, wicked witch, mistress Dorothy & evil scarecrow.

Rhonda & Butterfly were there.  Rhonda had followed me outside where I was sitting by the fire...by myself.  I told her, 'Don't tell Butterfly...' & filled her in on dad.  And guess what?  The first damn thing she did was tell Butterfly.  Grrrrr.  I didn't want to tell him because I didn't know how he'd take it.  I thought he might say I shouldn't have yelled at dad because he's hurt.  (but I figure if dad feels well enough to call me names & yell at me, he can handle it being thrown right back into his face...)

Butterflies reaction was, "You're too nice to him.  You should be like me.  Never go over there."  Wow, thanks for that pep talk.  Then he told the people that were around, "Yea, Jaime goes to our parents all the time.  She's nice to them & does stuff for them...but they like me better... HAHAHA"  Again, thanks for that...

Fast forward a few hours... Shauna kept asking if I was mad at her & I kept saying no.  She finally yanked me by my arm & took me into the garage.  And we sat on her step & I bawled.

I told her what happened.  She was super sweet to me about it.  She listened & hugged me & let me be snotty & cry.  I felt really bad because it was her party & I didn't want me being a cry baby to ruin it for her but she never left me.  She sat on that step with me until I dried up & felt better.

I did feel better after I cried it out.  I still kinda stayed to myself.  A few people were around the fire & we were really the only ones left at the party.  Brian (the evil scarecrow) was out by the fire with me.  I walked inside & he followed me, hanging onto my back.  He kept trying to drag me down & of course, I didn't want to let him.  He was drunk as a skunk & the only thing I drank all night was a coke Shauna gave me after the snotty, crying session.  He was dead weight on me & I finally fell...and he kept saying, "I'm gonna pin you!" 

 (Yea, still in my witch gettup...plus a sweatshirt because it was cold!)

 I hadn't laughed this hard all freaking night.  It was hilarious.  Look at his face.  He was still WAY stronger than me, but he was drunk... c'mon...surely I can get him?!

I finally got the upper hand.  

And I kept telling him I was gonna hit him in the balls...

But that wasn't even necessary.  He was putty in my hands...

 The picture speaks for itself...

 I got all these pics off facebook because, like I said, I took zero.  Brian texted me today & said, "Did you see the sequence of pics where I'm kicking your ass?!"  I said, 'UHM, no, I didn't see those.  But I DID see pics of me kicking YOUR ass."  He said, "No, you gotta view them by hitting 'previous' not 'next'...'

I get the fact that dad's hurt.  I get the fact that he's having to re-learn to do everything.  I get he's frustrated.  I get it all.   But he's been this way my whole life.  This new development in his life hasn't changed anything about his attitude.  I'm the one who has changed.  Dad or not, I don't deserve any of that.  And he is in for a world of hurt because 'his little girl' isn't gonna take his bullshit anymore.  I'm 35 freakin' years old.  He will not bark orders at me...if he wants something from me, he will ask.  

Postscript:  today at lunch, dad gave me a hug & told me he was sorry.  This is HUGE for him, but I'm 99.9% sure my mom ripped his ass & told him he should.  I'm sure after I walked out Friday, he never gave me another thought.  He told me he didn't mean it & he wouldn't say things like that anymore.  And I said, 'I know you won't...because I'm not gonna let you.'

Hawaii - the series: the reason we're here...

I told ya'll we planned this trip because of Butterfly & Ironman.  Butterfly didn't qualify but he had a couple of friends that did though...  

I figured since we'd traveled 4000 miles, we might as well check out some of the Ironman stuff in Kona.

It's obviously a huge deal there.  Kinda like here & the stupid Derby.  I had heard that some of the locals get the heck outta town on the actual Ironman day.  We ate lunch at a restaurant & the lady was telling her friend, "Yea-I'll leave Saturday & go hang out for the day in Hilo. I don't want to be anywhere near Kona on Saturday..."

 They had all the staging areas set up.

 I'm sure it's a tremendous amount of revenue for them.  And they play.it.up.

 Rhonda, their buddy that qualified & Butterfly wanted to go out on the swim course.  It's way more intense than the silly Ohio River.  There are waves & currents & all kinds of stuff. (I'm sure there are ucky fish too!)

 While we waited for them to swim, I kept watching a wave come in so big it would come over this wall & onto the street.  I never could catch it for a pic, but they were swimming in that crap.  They are crazy...

 Some of the swim course.

 This guy was just hanging out in his speedo.  I thought that was funny...

 This tent was chocked full of OFFICIAL Ironman stuff.  It was also OFFICIAL Ironman prices.  Needless to say, we didn't buy anything there.  I thought about getting Butterfly something for Christmas, but I decided against it.  I mean-he was the loser who didn't qualify...why should he get anything that says, "Ironman Kona World Championship" on it?!  Pssssh!

Hawaii - the series: sunset & stargazing... on top of a dormant volcano

The last excursion we did was a 'Sunset & Star gazing' experience...from the top...of Mauna Kea...  

Since I don't listen very well I decided to go right to Wikipedia to prove to you what I'm talking about.  Sure, I can act like I'm the authority on this stuff & you'd never be the wiser... But that damn B-rad sends me texts & corrects me.  I hate to be corrected...

So here's the deal on Mauna kea:  Standing 13,796 ft above sea level, its peak is the highest point in the state of Hawaii. However, much of the mountain is under water; when measured from its oceanic base, Mauna Kea is over 33,000 ft tall—significantly taller than Mount Everest.  

We loaded onto a bus at our resort around 7 pm Hawaii time.  That was 1 AM our time.  (He said we'd be back to the resort around 10pm.  Can you guess what time that was here?!  OY!) The little dude drove us toward Mauna Kea telling us all about our surroundings.  We stopped at a little 'camp' area & they fed us dinner.

 We also had time to walk around & take pics....

 See what I have to deal with?!

I thought the name of the port-a-potty company was funny.  Hawaii John's...

 

We had a yummy dinner of beef stew & cornbread.  See the water bottles?  The tour guide said, "those are yours to keep!"  Oh, how nice.  Little did I know those water bottles were going to be important to our survival...

There are no highways to the summit (that's the tippy top) of Mauna Kea.  There is a rocky, uneven access road that shakes you to death.  I never peed so much in my life as I did this night.  That shaking & bouncing shook the pee right outta me!

 The driver made several stops as we climbed to the summit.  You can see here we are above the freakin' clouds...

At one of the stops we took pics.  Notice our attire?  Ok-you're supposed to wear layers, long pants & sturdy shoes.  UHM we were going to Hawaii.  I took t-shirts & shorts.  This was a problem.  B-rad had to wear shorts & I had capris I wore on the plane.  They did give us parkas & gloves so that helped.  It was about 40 degrees up there.... brrrrrrr...

 There are lines of buses going to the summit.  As we climb higher towards the heavens, the driver starts to explain some 'safety' things to us.  He talks to us about what can happen to you when we get 14,000 ft above sea level.  You will feel like you've had 2-3 glasses of wine on an empty stomach.  (I'm sure that's why they fed us...) It is extremely difficult to breath.  You should move slower & take long, deep breathes.  You should also yawn.  (Apparently yawning comes from your brain not getting enough oxygen.  He said to yawn to bring in more oxygen because the air was so thin up there.)  You should also drink.  A lot.  Ah, the water bottle life saver... This place was serious business.  If we experienced any nauseousness, that was the beginning signs of epoxia (I don't know how to spell it...) which could be very serious.  He had oxygen on the bus & was certified to use it.  We just had to tell him we needed it.  Holy crap...

Here's how bad ass it is: Mauna Kea is over 770 cu mi in volume, so massive that it and its neighbor, Mauna Loa,  depress the ocean crust beneath it by 4 mi. The volcano continues to slip and flatten under its own weight at a rate of less than 0.01 in per year

  Now, I don't really know what any of this means (especially the blue words), but this is just so I don't screw up any of the facts:  Despite ongoing controversy, Mauna Kea's summit is one of the best sites in the world for astronomical observation because a number of factors create favorable observing conditions. The atmosphere above the volcano is extremely dry, which is important for submillimeter and infrared astronomy because water vapor absorbs radiation in most of this region of the electromagnetic spectrum. The summit is above the inversion layer that separates lower maritime air from upper atmospheric air, keeping most cloud cover below the summit and ensuring the air on the summit is dry, and free of atmospheric pollution. The summit atmosphere is exceptionally stable; this lack of turbulence creates some of the world's best astronomical seeing. The very dark skies resulting from Mauna Kea's distance from city lights are preserved by legislation that minimizes light pollution from the surrounding area (the street lights in Hawaii are different than ours.  They are a yellowish color & don't radiate up into the sky because of this legislation.  Like, you know how you can see Louisville at night from the light shining up into the sky?  The Big island's not like that.); the darkness level allows the observation of faint astronomical objects. These factors historically made Mauna Kea an excellent spot for stargazing.  (B-rad sent me an article a week or so after we got back that they think they've discovered a new planet forming...& they saw it from Mauna Kea...)

THIS was our view from the top.  I think there are 13 telescopes up here.  He told us who each & every one of them belonged too but I can't remember...

The sun setting...

We were allowed to get outta the bus & walk around until the sun went down.  Let me tell ya about high altitude.  In was incredibly difficult to breath.  Just walking around up there was difficult.  We walked very slowly & chugged our water.  It was so weird...

We had a certain number of minutes to get the heck outta there because their headlights mess up the telescopes.

 Notice the big ass telescope on the right?  It's just there.  Sitting.  All closed up.  

 B-rad said, "LOOK!!!!"  That thing started to spin around & open up.  It was really, really cool!

 

 I got back on the bus because it was really cold & the wind was blowing really hard.  I'm a dork & didn't realize that the top of a volcano would be rocky, dusty & windy & kept getting crap in my eyes.  I wish I would've worn my glasses.  

After we left the summit, we drove back down to 9000 ft to look at stars.  It wasn't real clear that night so we couldn't see a lot of what he was showing us.  He pointed out constellations & told us the origin of them. Blah, blah, blah.  We got to look at the moon through a itty bitty telescope & that was kinda cool.  He served us hot chocolate & cookies too. (YUM!)   Then, all of a sudden he said, "Oh, you guys are in luck!"  Jupiter came out of nowhere & we got to see it through the telescope!

When I got back on the bus at the summit, Butterfly & Rhonda were in their seats.  Butterfly had his head down.  I said, "Is he sick?" & Rhonda shook her head yes.  So another lady on the bus told the driver that someone was sick.  He came back & asked Butterfly if he was ok.  Of course he said, 'Yes, I'm fine.  I just feel like I've had a couple of beers.'  The guy said that was normal but if he started to feel sick to his stomach, he needed to let him know right away & asked if he wanted any oxygen.  (Later, Butterfly teased that he was probably the most fit person there & was the sickest girly girl.  B-rad explained that because of all the intensive training he does, he requires more oxygen to run his body.  When we were 14,000 ft up with super thin air, Butterfly couldn't handle it.  Huh, turns out having a little meat on your bones isn't always a bad thing.  I knew it would come in handy someday...)

Update on dad...because I think some of you (Marcia) want to know...

 Just in case ya'll were wondering...dad is still at rehab.  Yes, I still go there everyday I don't have official jewelry business to visit.  And by visit I mean I go in, I sit down, he barks orders at me, he asks me the same questions he asked me the day before, we watch a little tv & I go home.  

B-rad went with me one day last week when it rained.  He sat in the corner & played on his phone while I just sat.  My aunt & uncle showed up so that was good to have someone to talk to.  Dad's a talker, but not really to us.  Plus he's not big on details.  When you ask him questions he just answers with a mumble or 'i don't know...'  UHM I love the details...

We were there long enough for them to hook up the machine that bends his knee on his bad leg.  When the nurse was hooking him up, I saw this nice bruise.  It's on his bad leg in the back.  I don't know if that's where the truck hit him or what?!  (That's not my hand...that's the nurse... but his skin looked really weird.  Like plastic or something.  It's still swollen...)

They hook him up & he has to have it on twice a day for 2 hours.  I thought it was going to bend it like fast, but it doesn't.  It's super slow...

 Notice B-rad taking his head outta his phone?  'Oh, something different.  Wonder what it is?!'

 'Oh, borrrrr-ing.  I'll go back to my phone...'  You can also see his busted up right knee in this one.  (See his tan lines from his shorts?  I told ya he walks a lot!)

 Since those pics last week he got moved to another room.  He doesn't have the window seat anymore so it's super boring when I go there to 'visit' because I have nothing to look at.  Sigh.

When I got there Tuesday night the parking lot was packed.  I was really surprised & hoped they were having some sort of 'patient visitor appreciation night'.   Nope, just trick or treaters...  When I walked in the patients were outside their rooms with bowls of candy.  Even dad got in on the action. I was surprised to see he's lost some weight.  I only see him in bed in his gown.  He looked different sitting up with actual clothes on.

 At first he had his leg sticking out into the hallway & then he decided he better turn sideways so one of the kiddos didn't hit it.  (Isn't that cow cute?!)  I didn't realize how good he was getting around either until I saw him up out of bed.  That made me feel better because I was just imagining him laying in bed at home all day not being able to do anything for himself.

 When he had had enough of the trick or treaters, he was ready to go back to bed.  I said, "What are you gonna do now?"  He said, "You just watch this, kid!"  He was able to get out of his wheelchair all by himself.

 He has to steady himself with the walker & then he can get on the bed.  (Notice his pink cast?  I said, 'Dad, why in the world do you have a pink cast?!'  He said, "oh the surgeon did that...it's for breast cancer awareness."  Wow, what a nice thing... 

But don't get too excited yet...  I was talking to the ladies at the town hall & one of them told me that when he told her he had a pink cast she said, "Well, tell everyone it's for breast cancer awareness."  HA!  My dad is EVER the politician!)

  I figure this is how the conversation went with the surgeon:

Dr.:  "Mr Brown, what color do you want your cast to be?"

Dad: "I don't give a shit what color the damn thing is."  (those that know my dad know that that is EXACTLY what he would've said!!!)

Dr.: thinking, "Ok, PINK coming right up..."

There has also been a big change at their house.  There is a ramp out front for him now.  

Let me tell you about this ramp.  Dad was in the hospital for 4 days & has been at rehab for 2 weeks now.  We knew he was going to need a ramp.  One of the locals around town said that one of the schools had a carpentry class & that's what they did-build stuff for people who needed help.  Mom waited for a ramp...and nothing ever happened.  We found out Monday that he's coming home tomorrow.  Panic time.  Mom's church (Graceland) had told her they could get her ramps but she said, 'No, that's ok-someone here locally is going to build it.  Thanks anyway.'  The local guy never even had anyone measure for the ramps so they hadn't started building them yet.  Annoying.  

Mom called one of the Pastors at Graceland Tuesday morning.  Tuesday afternoon they were at the house measuring.  Wednesday (the next day) there was a crew there building the ramp.  (It's so funny because I had 9000 people tell me, "Hey-we saw them building the ramp for your dad!"  Small town living for ya!)  I think it's awesome that Graceland responded so quickly.  Dad's not real big on churches & stuff so I told mom to tell him, "Yea-that ramp is there courtesy of Graceland Baptist Church!"

Hawaii - the series: Snorkeling has a perk

We decided to do a snorkeling excursion one morning.  Sigh.  Let me remind you, I don't like water...I don't like creepy things swimming around me...I don't like to be wet.  I get an F for the pics I took.  You must understand - we were in a boat that had no rails or walls or anything. (But I got no pics of the boat...) We had only ropes to hang onto.  Gasp.   (I got no pics of the ropes...)

The boat went pretty quickly & they had all of our belongings locked away tight.  Since there were like 10 other people on this boat, it was difficult to maneuver & get your stuff out of lock down.  I just had to get my camera when I could, take pics & then lock it back down.

They take you waaaaaaaay out into the ocean to show you old lava & tell you stories...

Of course, I don't remember the stories...because I don't care.  But you do get to see some cool stuff you can't normally see.

Up front they had an actual rail to hold on to.

Look how high this is!  I took a pic of the boat to show you the scale of how tall it is!

One of  the big selling points on this tour is that 'they are one of the only companies allowed to go to Captain Cook's grave.' Uhhhh, ok.... who the heck is Captain Cook?!  Well that told us this big ole, long drawn out story about him & his death.  Yea, I don't remember much of it.   B-rad could tell you more.  I wish he would comment.  Punk.  Anyway-as legend wold have it, Captain Cook died here.  Now you can snorkel & see ucky fish.  Fantabulous...

I am a moron & didn't take our waterproof camera to Hawaii.  Like I said, I get an F.  It would've been perfect for snorkeling.  SOOOOO, you will see no pics of us in stupid snorkel garb or ucky fish.  Darn the luck.

Let me tell ya about snorkeling.  I didn't wanna snorkel because of the no likey water, no likey being wet, no likey ucky fish business.  BUT I paid for it, I was out there, when could I ever snorkel again in Hawaii, so I did it.  Sigh.  We snorkeled in the Grand Cayman on one of our cruises.  I didn't like it then either, but it was different.  I don't know why, but I was scared snorkeling here.  Like seriously scared.  The ocean floor was farther down & all I could see when I looked out was ocean.  No cruise ship waiting for me in the background.  I can swim-that wasn't the problem.  It's just not natural to stick your face down in water & be able to breathe.  (or have ucky fish surrounding you...)

Of course, B-rad takes off like a bat outta hell to see all the ucky fish.  My breathing in the snorkel sounded like Darth Vadar.  I was breathing hard & fast!  I finally found B-rad & said, "I'm scared-stay with me."  He did...for 2 minutes (he's so good to me...)... then he was gone again.  I got all kinds of salt water on my lips & they felt like they were frying to a crisp.  I am uber sensitive about my lips & I always have at least 2 kinds of lip moisturizer with me at.all.times.

Thank God it was time to get back in the boat....just to go to the next spot.  Dammit.  I did get outta the boat there just because the captain told me I should but I didn't stay out long.  Maybe only 10 minutes or so & then my butt got back on the boat.  

Wondering about the perk?  Well, there is one.  But just one.  

 Nope, not a shark...

Someone spotted a dolphin & I forgot all about my fried off lips.  

See how close it is to the boat?

They.were.awesome!!!!!  They are called spinner dolphins.  

They'd come to the boat & jump & we'd all scream.

See him spinning?  When they jumped straight up in the air they would spin 3 or 4 times.

There were 4 or 5 of them showing off for us.

They would swarm the boat...

and then jump for us. (Thank God this was friendly fire.  If they had been sharks I would've DIED!!!!)

Now let me tell you about the side effects of snorkeling.  Besides my fried off lips, the skin around my lips was wind burned or salt burned or something.  I had to slather lip moisturizer on them 20 times a day for a week after we were home.  I also got burned on my head...where the part in my hair is.  Yea-I don't do hats.  I don't look good in hats... except witches hats...more on that later...  

Moral of the story:  Snorkeling sucks...unless you get to see dolphins...